well another three months on and the pain is still here. it is still here. it still haunts me from time to time.

it's a complicated feeling. it's not constant. it deeply affects my emotion. it occupies my mind most of the time. it gets worse especially when ppl tell me to let go. no i can't. not by choice anyway. when i hear ppl telling me to let go that just makes me feel more lonely coz, no, no one understands how i feel. they only rush to tell u "hey i've been through this. it's easy to deal with. it's your fault that u're unhappy at this moment."

really? u've been through this? and what does that have to do with me?

i know i shouldn't talk too much about it but sometimes, and i mean most of the times, i'm weak and i want someone to talk to. i wanna let it out. i need a listener. i know this is a tough job to be my listener, for this particular topic. sometimes i do wanna talk about it. but ppl's responses can be such let down, while honestly, all i want is a faithful listener. all i want is support, or maybe, just maybe if i'm not asking too much, comfort? maybe? but no i ain't getting that. instead i received all these tvb signature scripts.

speaking of which, the court response is finally here. it's in front of me. now all that's left to do is to turn in one last paper with our signatures on it. then it's a done deal. i wanna do it, and i don't wanna do it. no i don't wanna do it. but it's something has to be done. gotta do what ya gotta do, u know. yes sir i know that. but no i don't wanna do it.

so i'll take half day off and turn it in in person. just to make sure nothing goes wrong. yes gotta do what ya gotta do. mind wins over heart. heart isn't here anymore anyway. heart is gone. it's buried in memories. such good memories. the wife, the cats, our children. they are just like angels. our family. little room, messy, small. but so warm that i rush back to everyday after class. and she's still in bed, hopefully having a sweet dream. i know it's sweet coz whenever the cats were with her, she looked like smiling in her dreams. it's cold outside, -20C cold. but it's all about inside this messy little flat, where all was good. and all is gone.



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